an update

I have no pictures to post with this post as this is a hard one for me.

Its a post about my mom...it has been a rough month or so for her.

3 weeks ago, mom was rushed to the ER because she had a Seizure.  Her first one..that we know of.  It was scary for me....not knowing the details of what had happened.  They drew blood, ran urine samples, did a chest x-ray and x-ray of the stomach.  Everything came back fine with the exception of a UTI.  Not uncommon for LAte Stage Alzheimer's patients to have UTI's.  In fact I would have been shocked if her results came back negative for a UTI.  They released my mom and gave her a prescription for an antibiotic.

About a week ago I got a phone call from the hospital telling me that the urine sample they took grew another bacteria and that it was resistant to the previous antibiotic.  So mom went on another antibiotic.  The thing you need to know about late stage alzheimers is that most patients dont respond to antibiotics.  The body is giving up and more than likely will not heal.  We still dont know if the infection has cleared up.

Then this weekend I get a call from her caregivers telling me that the nurse took a  look at mom and heard fluid build up in right lung.  It could be the start of Pneumonia or could be nothing.  Not wanting to rush my mom to the ER or Urgent care I opted to wait to have her doctor see her.  her doctor will be there sometime tomorrow.

This is where I am having the hard time.....I have decided that I do not want my mom to go on any other antibiotics.  I want nature to take its course.....I want the pain managed, but do not want to prolong this any further.  I feel like a horrible daughter.....I just want my mom to be at peace.  I want the Lord to usher her home....I long for the day when she is no longer suffering.

I feel alone in this decision....as it is my decision to make.  I am her only child.  I wish this burden didnt fall on me solely.  But it does......I have my husband to help walk with me through this.  Ihave God ( although he feels distant right now..I know he is here with me)  I know I have the support of my moms siblings....I just wish it didnt fall on me.

Tomorrow I meet with the doctor....No antibiotics...that is my decision.   I want to discuss hospice care and pain management....there is so much.

I miss my mom, although she is here physically...she is not here.  She cannot speak, she cannot care for herself ( thank goodness for her caregivers), I want to know that I am doing the best thing for her.....

God I fully trust you! Help me make the right choice!