Happy Easter

May you be blessed in the knowledge that CHRIST IS RISEN from the grave this season, and if that doesnt do it..perhaps this cute puppy wishing a Happy Easter will do!!!

Happy Easter to all! CHRIST IS RISEN!!!!!

the backyard remodel...part 2...of many

This past week one of Ryan's older brothers (he has 4) came out to help us build our deck and planter box.....He is a ROCKSTAR!!! We couldnt have done this without him!!!!

So this is the finished (so far) product. There is still much that needs to be done in the yard. I am going to till the sides and plant yummy veggies here soon as well as plant so herbs! Pray for a bountiful crop!!!
The finished deck...took Paul (Ryan's older brother) and Ryan 2 1/2 days to build this! Now we have finish sanding it and staining it!
The finished planter box...took 1 day to build this!!!! Its 6' x 5' x 2' tall..we are planting a Thornless Mexican Lime tree in it!
Working on the deck


Right after it was done...no stain yet!
Paul working on the planter box

No job is complete without a Site Foreman!

" this isnt fair"

Lat night we heard a good sermon...it was on how we carry we the name the of Christ. But before Steve (our pastor) got into details he spoke about the Isrealites and how they would be making the bricks for the temples and would cry out that it wasnt fair...I feel like a brick maker. I feel like a brick maker, crying out this isnt fair because of my mom. The brick that I carry is the disease that my mom is suffering from.

I am at this place right now in my life where it is hard for me to "want to carry the name of Christ" as I am deeply hurt and in pain. Is it okay for me to be mad at God, to question where he is and what he is doing? Of course it is. Its just a matter of what I do with that anger. Do I turn away from God? Do I seek retribution (I'd like to see that one)? Do I fall on my knees and cry out to him? What is that I am called to do in this time? I know the answer..I just dont want to hear it again.....TRUST. Its hard for me to trust when I see my mom in pain, when I see her suffering. Where is the mercy? Why wont he come already? I just dont understand. And its because of this not understanding that has lead me to this place of hurting, pain, anger, frustration and apathy.

I dont know how to pull myself out of it. All I can do is call out, fall on my knees and seek him daily. I know he hears me......but he isnt answering..at least not in the ways that I want him to answer.

I love that people ask how my mom is doing...I really do..but I would loved to be asked how I am doing. Honestly.....I am having a hard time and I am hurting...I just cover it up well! So from here....I am going to try to trust him a little bit more with this and I am going to trust him with my heart. I know that he will heal it, in his own time......jsut for now I am a brick maker.....calling out "THIS ISNT FAIR!"

how can you say no?

With a face like this how can you say no?

Time with mom

I havent been posting much about my mom lately and I dont know why. Ryan and I were talking about it last night and I think it is because I had grown cold to the disease and was just accepting it. Yesteday was not one of those days....it was a hard day for me.

Just like any other day when I go to visit my mom I am in pretty good spirits. I knew that the time of my arrival was about the time she goes into her room to take a nap. I like to sit with her while she sleeps. It is much easier for me to imagine that she is peaceful when she sleeps. But yesterday something was off....I walked into her room and her eyes were wide open (my mom is blind so this is not something new) but the way that her eyes were open was what shocked me. I went over to her, took her hand and kissed her on the forehead. I then sat down with her and started to tell her what had been going on. She started to calm down and close her eyes. It was then that I broke down. Holding her hand in mine, telling her all about what was going on just made me realize how very much I MISS MY MOM. While she is still present with us in body...she isnt present in the mind.

Its days like this that I just cant understand why God is allowing this? Why is my mom still suffering? Is there a lesson that needs be learned? What is it? Why? I just dont understand...its days like this that I feel so distant and far removed from God. Where is he in all of this?

I stayed a little longer with her, praying for her, talking to her, putting her favorite music on for her.....kissed her on the forehead again told her I loved her and left. I left in tears....tears of anger and frustration at God for allowing this continue, tears of sorrow and heartache because this is my mom, and tears of joy because I do know that without a doubt God is going to use this somehow...right now it JUST HURTS!!!!

Been gone for a while

So I realized the other day that I have not posted to my blog in well over a month...I guess that goal for the year is shot....perhaps not..perhaps I can change my ways here. At any rate, it has been a very busy , stressful, fun, did I mention busy...month. Here is what has been happening:


1. Ryan got promoted to Vice President of IT at the 91 Expresslanes ( this means more meetings, more time away from home, a new office and the wearing of more suits)
2. I started teaching my Engineering classes on my own and LOVE IT!!!
3. It seems as though everytime I get motivated to go out in the yard or have the time to go int he yard it is raining.
4. Bozley discovered MUD
5. We are cheering on my cousin Steve and his daughter Allie as they compete in the Amazing Race!
6. Saw the Steve Miller Band..in formal wear (not Steve Miller, but we were in formal wear)
7. Helped Anna paint her kitchen
8. Took up a gluten free diet (its hard and I sometimes have bread) for the most part I have energy and am feeling much better
9. Bozley is going through a new phase of training
10. We are getting ready to build the deck, pergola and planter boxes int he backyard

The updated 101 in 1001

A few years back I started this list...I didnt get very far and had high hopes of completing it. this year I changed it up a little and made things a little more attainable. So here it is in all its glory....my new 101 things to do in 1001 days! Keep me accountable folks!!!! If you can help me accomplish any of these items let me know!!!

1. Take Pilates
2. Run a 5K
3. Learn to cook a really good steak
4. Visit Lake Tahoe for a week and show Ryan around
5. Take a road trip just for fun
6. Eat at a new restaurant once a month
7. Learn about the stock market and invest $1000
8. Camp in Yosemite
9. Read the entire Bible
10. Volunteer
11. Cook dinner at home 3 times a week for 3 months
12. Build a dog sized deck for Bozley
13. Take a vacation and not bring my laptop or phone
14. Shoot a new baby session
15. Learn about wine
16. Go to the dentist twice a year
17. Plant an Herb Garden and use it!
18. Go Sledding
19. Go on a missions trip with my husband
20. Go fishing with Ryan
21. Learn to surf in Hawaii
22. Go to my 20 year High School Reunion! Go Lakers!
23. Learn a martial art or how to box
24. Spend a week in the summer on the east coast
25. Teach Bozley agility courses
26. Go apple picking and make a pie from the apples I pick
27. Ride a segway
28. Walk in the Memory Walk for Alzheimers and raise over $1000
29. Read Art of War
30. Clean out spare room closet
31. Start an account strictly for charity giving and contribute each month
32. Send homemade card to friends
33. Clean out closet and get rid of everything I don’t wear
34. Double my 2009 income
35. Save 90% of what I make for a month
36. Buy a second investment property
37. Eat something I have never tried before
38. Make a new friend
39. Go out on a boat
40. Go camping
41. Send someone a care package
42. Build a snowman
43. Learn to play an entire song on the guitar
44. Have a Martha Stewart looking dinner party
45. Buy an antique
46. Move my moms china hutch into our house
47. Ski in Colorado with Amy and Andy
48. Update the look of my blog
49. Send thank you notes for small, unexpected reasons
50. See a movie on opening night and have to wait in line for it
51. Learn to sew
52. Have a really good Halloween costume
53. Babysit for a friend so they can have a date night
54. Attend a formal event
55. Make a piece of jewelry
56. Paint my living room
57. Help my husband build the deck in the backyard
58. Plant an Orange Tree in our backyard
59. Plant a Thornless Mexican Lime Tree in our backyard
60. Randomly send someone some small item they mentioned wanting
61. Have an adventure
62. Plan a couples night to happen once a month
63. Paint my living room
64. Help Ryan with the removal and remodel of media center in living room
65. Visit family in West Virginia
66. Take a vacation somewhere we haven’t been
67. Get in good shape
68. Take flying lessons
69. Spend a night in a luxury hotel just for fun
70. Go to an Angels Game and not freak out in the crowds
71. Design Shower invites
72. Design Holiday Cards for friends
73. MASTER INDESIGN
74. Learn to knit
75. Buy golf clubs and go golfing with Ryan
76. Resurface the French doors in dinning room
77. Plant yummy veggies in the yard and actually eat them
78. Take more classes
79. Have lunch with a girlfriend at least once a month
80. Get more bookings for family portraits (at least once a month)
81. Cook one new recipe a week for a year!
82. See the monsoons in Arizona
83. Go horseback riding
84. Write in a journal at least once a week
85. Buy 3^rd lens for my camera
86. Buy a new MAC desktop
87. Go to New York
88. Go to San Francisco during the Christmas Season
89. Sell stuff on Ebay
90. Buy something off of Ebay
91. Learn to shoot a gun with Ryan
92. Enter a photo contest
93. Vacation in Napa
94. Ride in a hot air balloon
95. Blog everyday for a month
96. Visit a friend I haven’t seen in a long time
97. Learn a foreign language….Finnish!
98. Do something for someone anonymously
99. Print a photo of Bozley for the Family wall
100. Really try to make all this happen!
101. Take a hike