Time with mom

I havent been posting much about my mom lately and I dont know why. Ryan and I were talking about it last night and I think it is because I had grown cold to the disease and was just accepting it. Yesteday was not one of those days....it was a hard day for me.

Just like any other day when I go to visit my mom I am in pretty good spirits. I knew that the time of my arrival was about the time she goes into her room to take a nap. I like to sit with her while she sleeps. It is much easier for me to imagine that she is peaceful when she sleeps. But yesterday something was off....I walked into her room and her eyes were wide open (my mom is blind so this is not something new) but the way that her eyes were open was what shocked me. I went over to her, took her hand and kissed her on the forehead. I then sat down with her and started to tell her what had been going on. She started to calm down and close her eyes. It was then that I broke down. Holding her hand in mine, telling her all about what was going on just made me realize how very much I MISS MY MOM. While she is still present with us in body...she isnt present in the mind.

Its days like this that I just cant understand why God is allowing this? Why is my mom still suffering? Is there a lesson that needs be learned? What is it? Why? I just dont understand...its days like this that I feel so distant and far removed from God. Where is he in all of this?

I stayed a little longer with her, praying for her, talking to her, putting her favorite music on for her.....kissed her on the forehead again told her I loved her and left. I left in tears....tears of anger and frustration at God for allowing this continue, tears of sorrow and heartache because this is my mom, and tears of joy because I do know that without a doubt God is going to use this somehow...right now it JUST HURTS!!!!