Time with mom

I havent been posting much about my mom lately and I dont know why. Ryan and I were talking about it last night and I think it is because I had grown cold to the disease and was just accepting it. Yesteday was not one of those days....it was a hard day for me.

Just like any other day when I go to visit my mom I am in pretty good spirits. I knew that the time of my arrival was about the time she goes into her room to take a nap. I like to sit with her while she sleeps. It is much easier for me to imagine that she is peaceful when she sleeps. But yesterday something was off....I walked into her room and her eyes were wide open (my mom is blind so this is not something new) but the way that her eyes were open was what shocked me. I went over to her, took her hand and kissed her on the forehead. I then sat down with her and started to tell her what had been going on. She started to calm down and close her eyes. It was then that I broke down. Holding her hand in mine, telling her all about what was going on just made me realize how very much I MISS MY MOM. While she is still present with us in body...she isnt present in the mind.

Its days like this that I just cant understand why God is allowing this? Why is my mom still suffering? Is there a lesson that needs be learned? What is it? Why? I just dont understand...its days like this that I feel so distant and far removed from God. Where is he in all of this?

I stayed a little longer with her, praying for her, talking to her, putting her favorite music on for her.....kissed her on the forehead again told her I loved her and left. I left in tears....tears of anger and frustration at God for allowing this continue, tears of sorrow and heartache because this is my mom, and tears of joy because I do know that without a doubt God is going to use this somehow...right now it JUST HURTS!!!!

Memory Walk 2009

In honor of my mother I have signed up to walk in the 2009 OC Alzheimer's Association Memory Walk! The walk will be taking place Saturday, October 17 at CSU, Fullerton. While it isnt a long walk (only 3 miles) it will be a hard walk for me! Many of you know that my mom is in the late to terminal stages of this aweful disease. I am walking for her and the thousands of others out there with this disease. I am also walking to raise funds and awareness of the disease.

The Alzheimer's Association Memory Walk® is the nation's largest event to raise awareness and funds for Alzheimer care, support and research – and it calls on volunteers of all ages to become champions in the fight against this fatal disease. Since 1989, Memory Walk has raised more than $260 million for the cause. Memory Walk is a community event that joins friends, family and co-workers as they walk to end Alzheimer’s. Participants typically register in teams of 10-12 and fundraise using tools supported by the Alzheimer’s Association. Walks vary from one to three miles and are held in nearly 600 locations nationwide. Please join us in taking steps to end Alzheimer's. I have set up a donation page and have pledged to raise $1200 for this cause! Will you help me out??? Go to : http://memorywalk.kintera.org/csuf/inmomsmemory to make a donation for my team!!! Thanks!

updates and thoughts

So far the month of April has been good...I have had my good days and my bad days in regard to my mom and the disease that she bears...I HATE ALZHEIMERS. April 4th was mom's birthday, this was an especially tough day for me. Hard for me, because my mom means so much to me and it is hard to sit and watch what she has become. There have been many times in the last month that I thought...maybe we should just bring mom home to live with us...but I am gently reminded that it would not be wise for me to do so. I know that my mom is in a good place, they know her and love her and care for her in a way that I know I couldnt. April is a tough month for me, because I too celebrate my birthday...a day that an amazing woman gave birth to me. A day that she no longer remembers..she doesnt even know who I am any more....how am I supposed to celebrate knowing this? I thank God everyday that I got to spend all those years with my mom...she was an amazing woman. I recently ran across some notes from another lady who is going through what I am going though...her thoughts capture what I am feeling

Just try to take one day at a time and when God feels it's the right time, he will come to get her.
I am feeling less guilty about wanting my mother to go to God. I pray every day that he will take her and rid her of this awful desease. I have quit my job, my friends and some of my family because I find it too much to try and act "normal". Nothing feels normal in my life. I constantly worry about my mother and her well being in the nursing home even though after a year the facility has proven to be a very caring place. I even feel guilty about enjoying a sunny day while I picture my Mom in the nursing home. I have so much to be thankful for but I am mad at God right now.

Every word...that is how I feel...so if you see me and I am not "normal"...you know why. I know that my mom loves me even though when I am there she doesnt know me. My love for her will never change....she is my mom, one of my best friends.

A brief mom update!

Its been a while since I posted anything new on mom. I guess that is because there isnt much new to post. She is doing well. She is losing muscle mass in her left leg and cant really stand on it anymore..I assume that she will bound to her wheelchair here pretty soon. She does require a wheelchair to get back and forth from her room to the bathroom and living room. She is sleeping more in the afternoons and looks really healthy. I cant imagine what her world is like..I hope that she knows just how much she is loved!!!