" this isnt fair"

Lat night we heard a good sermon...it was on how we carry we the name the of Christ. But before Steve (our pastor) got into details he spoke about the Isrealites and how they would be making the bricks for the temples and would cry out that it wasnt fair...I feel like a brick maker. I feel like a brick maker, crying out this isnt fair because of my mom. The brick that I carry is the disease that my mom is suffering from.

I am at this place right now in my life where it is hard for me to "want to carry the name of Christ" as I am deeply hurt and in pain. Is it okay for me to be mad at God, to question where he is and what he is doing? Of course it is. Its just a matter of what I do with that anger. Do I turn away from God? Do I seek retribution (I'd like to see that one)? Do I fall on my knees and cry out to him? What is that I am called to do in this time? I know the answer..I just dont want to hear it again.....TRUST. Its hard for me to trust when I see my mom in pain, when I see her suffering. Where is the mercy? Why wont he come already? I just dont understand. And its because of this not understanding that has lead me to this place of hurting, pain, anger, frustration and apathy.

I dont know how to pull myself out of it. All I can do is call out, fall on my knees and seek him daily. I know he hears me......but he isnt answering..at least not in the ways that I want him to answer.

I love that people ask how my mom is doing...I really do..but I would loved to be asked how I am doing. Honestly.....I am having a hard time and I am hurting...I just cover it up well! So from here....I am going to try to trust him a little bit more with this and I am going to trust him with my heart. I know that he will heal it, in his own time......jsut for now I am a brick maker.....calling out "THIS ISNT FAIR!"